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[Tuesday | Dec 10th 2013 | 8:02pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I had such a bad day today and I'm feeling so exhausted I just want to go to bed and sleep, and miss out Wednesday altogether. The worst part is, this is becoming normal. When the redundancies were happening in our section last year and I was convinced I was going, I said I felt sorry for those that were going to be left because things are going to be so much worse. Then it turned out that I was one of those left...and things are terrible.

I feel really bad saying this because I know I should be grateful to still have a job, to still be able to pay the bills. But it's become soul-destroying. And despite the economy supposedly improving, there's still not much out there that I can apply for, so it's not as easy as just "get another job".

I see a lot of selfishness in both my customers and colleagues and frankly, work is making me very bitter and selfish right now.

I need a break. Or a day just in bed, at least :(

1 x - what's the score?

Home is where the heart is [Sunday | Nov 3rd 2013 | 8:59pm]
I have another weekend of mostly house-related stuff. I was up early on Saturday to go to Ikea again to make sure I got the dining chairs I wanted before they were out of stock again (I got them and successfully got four flat-packed dining chairs in my Peugeot 107, even though no one believed I would get them in!)

I didn't realise until I had to buy so much furniture how much scope there is for innuendo in the assembly of flat-pack furniture. It is seemingly endless: "I've got wood", "Have you seen my tool?", "I'll try it from behind", "Push it in harder".

I (thankfully) had help from my much more capable brother. We took a break for lunch at Wetherspoons, which I paid for as a thank you. I can't believe they do Pint Cocktails now, though we stuck to coke.

I'm sitting at my new dining table and having a bit more furniture is making it feel more homely. I have bookcases assembled but need my dad to come over and fix them to the wall (I neither have the tools to do this nor trust my ability to do this). I've brought some of my books over, but I'll be happy when I can bring the rest and get them on the shelves. It's kind of weird being able to spread my stuff all over a house. Not that I didn't leave DVDs and things in the living room at my parents' but most of my stuff was in my room.

It's still a bit weird living by myself. I've spent plenty of time in houses by myself, but it's strange knowing I'm the only one in because I'm the only one here. I have the radio on a lot more than I did at my parents'. Partly because I've rediscovered my love of Radio 6 Music but partly because I like to have something in the background. I never thought I was like that though.

One thing I have been having trouble with is the word "home". I've wondered for a while why people refer to living with your parents' as "still living at home". Surely, if you have a house, that's your home, so you're "living at home" in your own place. But now I'm referring to both my house and my parents' as home. I think my parents' house will always feel a little bit like my home. I have temporarily lived in other places, but permanently lived there for years. I don't know if time makes a difference. I've bagsied "my" bedroom for Christmas though ;)
5 x - what's the score?

[Friday | Nov 1st 2013 | 10:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I knew it had been a while since I'd updated. I didn't realise quite how long. I haven't really had a lot to say. I feel like I should get back into LJ though. I always liked it. I've had an account here since December 2000. That's nearly thirteen years. Social media has moved out a lot since then, but I'm not always a fan of facebook etc. My newsfeed consists either of "look at what my kid ate for tea" or "I hate such and such...", even worse the very public argument between an alcoholic ex-colleague of mine and her husband.

Anyway, so I've been thinking I should get back into LJ. And I do have things going on right now. The main thing being that I am updating from my comfy new sofa in my sparsely-furnished living room. I say "my" because I finally managed to get my own place. I moved in a week ago and it's a bit weird. Partly because I still have loads of stuff to pick up from my parents' and because I don't have much furniture. Also because I am living by myself. I've lived with various different people - family, friends, random strangers from South America, but never by myself. I think it'll take a bit of getting used to.

I've just read my last few posts and there is a lot about thinking I'm going to lose my job/be made redundant. Surprisingly, I am still in the same job. There have been a lot of changes, including losing 25% of staff to redundancies last year. That was tough. Three months of wondering if it would be you, then feeling guilty when friends are made redundant and you're not. Then having to put up with too much work and too little time because we don't have enough staff. Angry phone calls from customers, driving home exhausted, just wanting to go to bed. Wondering when not if you will lose your job with yet more cutbacks. But I'm still grateful for having my job right now so I can pay the bills.

Anyway, this is getting very downbeat. My new house is exciting, if a little stressful. It doesn't quite feel like home yet, but it's slowly getting there. I rely heavily on my dad's DIY skills and advice, but I am picking some things up and have even bought some tools of my own (and I was thinking it would be all cocktail glasses and soft furnishings). Most of my furniture is either from Ikea or is secondhand. I don't have a coffee table yet and my dining table is waiting to be assembled, so I'm using a foldable crate as a coffee table - it's not exactly steady but I haven't got red wine stains on the carpet yet.

There are probably many other things I could write about considering how long it has been since I've updated, but it's been a busy week and I'm exhausted. I need sleep and a lie in. Maybe I'll get a chance to update more over the weekend.

7 x - what's the score?

[Thursday | Jul 7th 2011 | 8:49pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I'm really crap at being an adult. I want to see into the future so I know what will happen and what I need to do to get there...or not. Everything is so uncertain now with work and everything. I really expected to have things more figured out by now.

I really don't want to use the term "quarter-life crisis" but it kind of describes how I'm feeling now. It doesn't help that I can look back at the last 5-10 years and think I should have done X when I did Y etc. I know hindsight is a great thing and you don't know how things would've worked out anyway, but it worries me that I'll make the wrong decision again.

I keep meaning to update but it just ends up like the rambling above, which isn't very entertaining, I know. Either that or ranting about how Cameron is leading the country to ruin. People used to annoy me when they said things like that, I thought they were being over-dramatic but when a government that is cutting public spending, losing jobs and services considers outsourcing yet more jobs to another country you really have to wonder. The Evening Chronicle jobs section, which a few years ago advertised 1500-2000 job vacancies in the North East, today had 160 jobs advertised. I didn't have massive aspirations of becoming mega-rich, but I wanted to own my own house and have enough money to live day-to-day, but that's looking less and less likely. Things just seem quite bleak right now for so many people.

Yeah...see why I never update?

what's the score?

President Obama Roasts Donald Trump At White House Correspondents' Dinner! [Thursday | May 5th 2011 | 9:53pm]
what's the score?

Public Transport + Social Networking = Numerous Examples of Stupidity [Thursday | May 5th 2011 | 9:09pm]
I frequented Go North East's Facebook page during the Winter when there was so much disruption caused by the snow. The staff were actually really good at updating about what buses were on/off, what conditions were like etc., which stopped me getting stranded and waiting for a bus that was never going to turn up. In fact, it was in a car that I almost became stranded on Fellside Road (thank god for the warmer weather!)

Now, though...I just look because it's funny. It really shows how stupid and illiterate people are. If it's not the same people asking hour after hour when particular services run (here's a clue: check the timetable!), or complaining about buses being late during rush hour in Newcastle then it's someone wondering why they ordered a monthly pass during a Bank holiday weekend and are annoyed because it hadn't turned up before Wednesday (how can people not know that, even if the customer service staff worked 24/7 every day of the year, there is still no post on Sundays or Bank holidays?!)

Best comment today though: "Do I need a full driving licence to become a bus driver?"

Seriously.

I would really drive my car to work, despite the shortage of parking, if it wasn't for the New Internationalist's recent issued about climate change. I cannot ethically justify making the journey to and from work with only me in the car when there is a direct bus running from almost my front door to my work. However, I am currently looking at house/flat shares within walking distance, which would solve the problem and give me more exercise. The only problem is there aren't many areas within walking distance of work that I would want to live.
what's the score?

"Well, they must go to school!" [Monday | Apr 25th 2011 | 3:06pm]
what's the score?

"In this hole that we have fixed..." [Sunday | Apr 24th 2011 | 11:10am]
I doubt you're even bothered anymore...and I don't blame you. I've been a rubbish LJ-friend for a while. But here's an update anyway...as brief as possible though, the last few months weren't great.

After my Crappy New Year post, things weren't great. I couldn't eat or sleep. I losr 8lbs over Christmas. This has since bothered me because people complimented me on my weight loss, proving that, in this society, weight loss is to be celebrated no matter what the cause or cost.

In early January I had to force-feed myself just so I wouldn't collapse. It was a cold and dark time, literally and figuratively.

At work (which has been my main focus due to my fear of impending unemployment), student finance was transferred to SFE at the end of January and the team started training in housing benefits. I was searching for jobs and every available opportunity, with little hope after a disastrous interview at Northumbria Student's Union in late December (I have since seen NSU's head of HR on my bus on a morning, including one time he sat next to me, which was rather awkward). I talked to my manager about how I was sure my contract wouldn't be renewed and what would happen if I had an interview during training (surely it wouldn't matter if I wasn't going to be there long enough to do the job?) The manager of the section came to talk to me to tell me they would understand if I had to start late/leave early etc.

In mid-February the section manager talked to me again and said that enough cost savings had been made and there were enough vacant posts due to a recruitment freeze that started a couple of years ago, to make it likely that the temporary staff could have permanent jobs (i.e. me and two others), but it wasn't sorted yet. This went on until after the end of my contract (I had to actually ask if I should still turn up for work on 1st April), until last week when I got my new, permanent contract from HR.

Of course, at the minute permanent isn't exactly permanent...it looks likely there will be redundancies next year. But for now I'm getting paid. I'm still in the mindset of "I should have a better job", due to comparing myself with other people I know who are teachers or at some big company on a graduate scheme. But I am still getting paid, and that's better than I thought at the beginning of the year.

I've been looking at what I want in life and number one right now is moving back out of my parents' house...permanently. It was meant to be temporary...but it's been over two years. Due to the current work/economic situation, I'm looking at house/flat shares so I can still save money and I'm not as tied down. So far I've found a couple of promising ones on the Gateshead Quayside...that I lost to other psychic-flat hunters! So I'm still looking - mostly around the Newcastle/Gateshead area.

I've also been enjoying the sunshine! One thing I like about living at my parents' is the garden and it's been warmer outside than inside lately.

So...how are you all doing?
what's the score?

[Saturday | Apr 23rd 2011 | 7:06pm]
BEST. DOCTOR. WHO. SERIES. START. EVER.

!!



p.s. i'm going to try my bestest to update and keep it up this time. i have honestly missed you!
what's the score?

A Crappy New Year... [Friday | Dec 31st 2010 | 4:18pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I am not looking forward to 2011 AT ALL. My contract at work finishes is March and won't be renewed, what with the Council wanting 600 redundancies, even though my team leader and my boss's boss would keep me on if they could. And I know it wasn't a proper "graduate" job, but I was enjoying it and now...I'm facing unemployment. There are so few jobs out there at the minute and the few I have the slightest chance of getting are crappy, low-paid jobs I only needed GCSEs for. I'm petrified I'm going to get stuck in a shit dead-end job. And I feel like such a loser because everyone else has a decent job that justifies their degree and I haven't and I don't think I ever will. I've been so worried about it all lately that I can't eat or sleep. I feel like such a loser and this year is going to be shit.

What the fuck am I going to do? I feel like I've made such a mess of my life...

2 x - what's the score?

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